3/12/06 Buckle up

Kevin McHale is apparently mentoring a young soccer GM...


http://soccernet.espn.go.com/news/story?id=360149&cc=5901

Your White Bear Lake Bears advanced to the Section 3AA Semifinals after a tense 3-2 victory over the Ponies of Stillwater at Aldrich on Saturday. The Bears looked to have things in hand after the first period, having taken a 1-0 lead just a minute into the game when defenseman Zach Hansen jumped up into the slot and buried a wrister top shelf. The Bears were also dominating in shots after one, nearly tripling the Ponies offensive output despite spending a significant amount of time in the box. This biased officiating continued in the second period, but sophomore forward Jake Hanson turned some grit in front of the net into the Bears' second goal of the night, pounding home his own rebound.

But before the Bears could turn this game into a rout, the officials called "shenanigans" and turned the momentum. 30 seconds before the second period came to a close, a Stillwater player scored on a breakaway with a rocket from above the circle. Just moments before the shot, however, another Stillwater player checked a WB forward into the Stillwater bench and proceeded to make several efforts to dump his legs over the boards, which would probably be a penalty. The officials talked it over for several minutes but decided to let the goal stand. Midway through the third period, Stillwater scored on a bogus power play, one of many ridiculous penalty calls that kept White Bear shorthanded for much of this game. With the score tied 2-2, Stillwater kept the pressure on and had several scoring chances, but the Bears' netminder Zach Faust was equal to the task. The last few minutes of the game belonged to White Bear who hit the post a couple of times and finally buried a goal on the power play. The goal was scored by Jimmy Kovacs on a pretty feed from Mr. Hockey Finalist David Grun. In the final minute, after Phil Housley pulled his goalie, White Bear had five or six excellent chances to score an empty netter, but each attempt went just wide, and the game ended with a 3-2 victory for the Orange and Black. Final shots were 35 - 21 for the Bears.

The victory earned the Bears a date with #10 ranked Centennial. Also in Section 3AA, Hill-Murray put a whooping on Mounds View to advance to the Semis against Roseville, who blanked a talented but young North St. Paul squad (watch out for them next year!). The Bears play at the Colliseum on Wednesday at 8pm. To follow the whole secional picture, here are some brackets. For banter and chatter visit the MN High School Hockey Forum.

Just because the olympic fire is in me...

Every now and again reality tv steps it up a notch. It is usally disappointing garbage never meeting those original expectations. I even went as far as swearing boycott of FOX (fatty evangelical meet your new mommy, well actually looking back that still was pretty good). Sadly, I don't learn. I am excited. Unan1mous. The commercial looked better but I can't find the clip yet.

This is to serve as a notice that I am getting a serious day drunk going this coming Sunday. Anyone who chooses to participate can call my celly cell - or if it's major - hit me on my pager.

I needed to share this while it is still on my mind. I was talking with an employee of mine who had just turned 18 and went to a strip club. We were talking about the dollar bills and whatever and then I was hit by a thunderbolt of an idea. This has probably been thought of before, even by someone I know, but I don't recall.

The idea is to put magnetic strips on the inside of each ass cheek and breast and hook up some sort of wireless internet connection. That way, instead of dollars and using the ridiculous ATM's at these places, they can just swipe her ass with their card. It invites more audience participation, and guys may be apt to spend more money. I'm not a huge fan of the nudie bars, but I would like to swipe my Visa down some stripper's sweaty ass and punch in $0.70 on the keypad at my seat after she gives me the standard V. Could we make this happen? Could I get some volunteers for research and development?

I hope people are checking in at Gorilla Mask. I usually don't link to his stuff but I want to make sure people see this sweet link. (Needs volume)

I have returned from my sojourn in Denver, Colorado. Maybe sojourn means to live somewhere and not just drink there for a long weekend, but either way I left last Thursday and now I'm back. I paid no rent, unless you count non-lotions to the friend I stayed with. I'm not sure if any of you are interested in my exploits... maybe Teeblah, maybe Blade, possibly Gia (Who the fuck is Gia?), but I'll share them anyway, because I have shit to say.

I sent a couple pics to Tom and he put them up. Zed had a digital camera with and took much better pics and I'm hoping to get my hands on them soon to share with you. There's only so much you can do with a shitty camera phone.

Anyway, we got there Thursday and after having a couple in the airport waiting for Wesito (that's what his Mexican wife calls him, in addition to Flaco, Whey, and Dude) he arrived with road ponies in tow. Shusha (Shoosh-a) (Wes's wife's nickname, I think her real name is spelled Eliana; Ellie-A-Nah, Wes also calls her Fresa, Dude and Ho... well, just once time and shit got ugly.) made some bitchin' tacos and the neighbor stopped by with gifts for Zed. We then went to multiple places-I think it went trivia bar/Mexican restaurant/classy bar/gay bar/Mexican bar/ then Don's Club Tavern, which is right across the street from Wes's place. I love Don's. Zed loves Don's. We spent some good time there Thursday and stumbled home drunk. (The pic below with Zed and the crazy man is from Don's.)

Wes had to work Friday, the bastard, so Zed and I escorted Shusha around downtown Denver. Record cold was hitting the area at the time, so our walking around was very limited, although we were able to stop at American Apparel (pic below), which is owned by one of the greatest men ever. We finished up the downtown trip with trip to Falling Rock Tap House, which is a Caspian James crow hop laser away from Coors Field. Another sweet bar with a ton of beer on tap and a freaky yet knowledgeable bartender. Downtown is pretty cool, a lot more bars/shops than downtown Minneapolis, but the layout/architecture/cityscape reminded me of St. Paul. Wesito got home and more drinking followed, we watched the Gophers beat Denver (it was in Minneapolis, would have been sweet if it was in Denver) and hit it very hard. Of course we closed the night down at Don's. I may have left a drunk message on teeblah's phone that night.

Saturday came, more cold followed, cig smoking was certainly becoming a chore, until we figured out that you could smoke in the hallways, elevators, ping-pong/pool room downstairs and what not. A lot of smoking in Denver. Even with the altitude. We took the 25 minute drive to Boulder and spent much of our hungover day on Pearl St., walking in and out of hippie shops, bars and hippie bars that reeked of B.O when you entered them. We finished the trip up at The Sundown Saloon, a place that smelled like a college party basement on Sunday morning when the party was on Friday night. It was down a flight of scary stairs from the main street level and definitely had had no exposure to the sun in years.

Saturday night Zed cooked a fabulous dinner of crab fettuccini and we drank wine and became full and bloated. We wanted to play some darts to work off the meal... only for Wes to explain to us that hardly any bars in Denver had darts. We thought about it and decreed that yes, he was right, Denver was dart-free city. Why this is I'm not sure. They do like their pool though, so we went to B-52's, which had a strange set-up, but pretty cool at the same time. There were a ton of pool tables, but also different lounge rooms where it was more like a club. Not sure how to describe it. Anyway, we were there, and I think Hand Steam called me. Not sure why. We were enjoying some cocktails when a waitress that looked like this came up to us (but maybe a little bigger and more ripped, with a square jaw) with a shot tray and demanded that we drink some kamikazes. We obliged her. They were $4.00 a piece. Remember that. We continued to drink and she continued to come around with shot rounds. I was engaging in some witty banter with her on all of these stops, and they became more frequent. I was drunk at this point. Zed suggested I house her... but it would probably have been the other way around. Anyway she came around again, and I ordered only three shots at this point, because Shusha was babbling in Spanish, a tell tale sign she was loaded. Anyway, I hand her a 20 and ask for two dollars back. On a 12 dollar round... she informs me of this and I realize we only got three, but I didn't want to be a dick and take money back, so I rolled with it and said "Yeah, I know, just two back." Wow. Anyway, Shusha felt confident enough to ask her about after-bars and stuff, but it all got put on hold as two fights broke out within five minutes of each other. After the first fight one of the participants, who was thin and pasty and being escorted out, stopped and threw his hands in the air while screaming "EAST-SIDE!!" We thought that was funny. We also wanted the bodybuilding bitch to throw down with these chumps but she was nowhere to be found. A drunken cab ride back and some homemade Mexican nachos awaited us....

*The Gophers also won 5-1 on this night, but it was not on live TV in Denver, it was usurped for the Arena Football game. Hjelm gave score reports during the night and kept saying it was one of the best games of the season for the Gophers, which is probably true. I wore my U of M hockey hat for most of the weekend and it inspired little reaction... Zed did win a beer on a bet with a 70+ year old man at Don's saying the Gophers would sweep. They did, but sadly, we never saw the man again. Anyway, the point is that nobody in Denver cares about #1 against #2 in the WCHA with tourney implications are on the line. I openly questioned the sexuality of the city many times because of this.

Well, I need to stop for now, with Sunday and Monday still looming. Gyros, Ping Pong, Beer, Quarters, douche bag friends and cool neighbors, Coldplay, more douche bag friends and drunk Mexicans, 3 am lasagna, mountains, Dramamine, Breckenridge, Jon Favreau, wine and Deuce Bigalow all to come in my next installment. Can you even wait?

Seacrest out...

News from Denver! Dircks is in Denver visiting Wes. Here are some picks he sent me. I'm pretty sure he is going to the DU vs. UMN game tonight or tomorrow. I am jealous. He also is going to the Coldplay show. I am not so jealous about that. A dollar says that chick is Wes' wife and not some chick Dircks hooked up with.

I have royally F'd myself.

One - I asked a girl on a date - and she said yes. Clearly I don't have any business fraternizing with the opposite sex. I'm sure all of you have a story where I managed to kill what was otherwise sure pussy just by being me.

Two - She isn't a drinker. I haven't left the house without intending to drink since 9/11/1994. What in god's name do you do in this town, on a Sunday no less, without drinking? And don't say church.

Three - How do you get in a chick's pants if she isn't a .20 BAC?

As many of you know - as an aspiring musician - I often times name my as yet unreleased albums ahead of time. I have decided that these need to be documented for my VH1 Beyond the Music special coming in 2026. I have named approximately 30 albums - but can only remember a few. If anyone remembers any -or has suggestions - please feel free to weigh in.

Minong Flowage
Cider, Gimlets and Stew
Where my big low balls at
Quit trying to be Suge Knight Mutha%$#er (greatest hits compilation)
Everytime I poop, I pee a little
Like this fag paired his bitches

more to come.... as I remember or create new ones.

First annual Lazer Tag Extravaganza Huge Success!

We went to play Lazer Tag on Sunday night and it was quite fun. Many were invited but few rose to the challenge. Because they are d-bags. Anyways, the final scores were:
1. James (Most Deadly, although I still contend his vest wasn't working properly) 9125
2. Nicole (Most Professional) 2125
3. Dircks (Marksmanship Award)2025
4. Boland (Most Frantic)1925
5. Mac (Where's the ammo?)50




In other news, I'm getting ready to get my hockey gear and Dircks doesn't think I need breezers or elbows. His list includes:
skates,shins,gloves,stick,helmet(shield not required) and jock.
I like his idea because then I can buy fancier gear when there are fewer items, however I don't like the idea of losing an eye or getting clattered in the corner and breaking a hip. Let me know what you guys think I need. Also Dircks was deeply wounded when he found out about this team that he apparently isn't involved with. He has vowed to derail our season by joining a rival squad and playing dynamite hockey from start to finish. I think we should just avoid that possibility and bump Zettsman or whoever and take on the crafty winger that is F theb. Also this would be a great place to post info for the league as it becomes available (schedule, dues, practice, etc.)

xoxo

WWW.AUDIOBLOGGER.COM

Can you feel me?

Alright goofballs! To post on this blog you must do the following:
1. Get a blogger account.
2. Get an e-mailed invitation from me and accept it.
3. Log on to www.blogger.com and sign in.
4. From that log-in you should see We Blog in your lists of blogs. Click on it to access the blogger "dashboard" which is where you do your "blogging".
I'll admit it is a little weird to have different url's for posting and reading but I guess that is google's perogitive.

Speaking of perogitives... I am looking at moving the blog and changing the whole face of the game. Taking it to the next level if you will. I will of course test everything out first but I'm looking at using iWeb for the website publishing. It looks like a sick program that will allow me to easily fix the appearance problem (not being able to customize it as much as I'd like) as well as add photo casting slide shows, video, and podcasts. As well as the normal b.s. we have been doing. It's $79 for the whole iLife 06 suite but I have been none to find other ways of procuring software. I'm also looking to .mac to do the web hosting. The .mac groups function appears to be exactly what I'm looking for. 3 problems: First, cost. It's $99 for the year for .mac. That includes like 1GB of storage or something. Other web hosting will run approx $60 a year for more storage and transfer as well as a unique domain name. .mac's domain deal is weird. It appears to be similar to blogger in that you log in to .mac at apple.com and go from there versus going straight to the url. On the other hand groups seems to have it where other users will be able to post content without needing iweb or a mac. I'm unsure if I can create a site with iweb away from .mac groups that will allow you guys to post content. I know i can have it where you have user names and passwords for the site but I need you guys to post, I'm much to busy having a wildly successful life to be fully responsible for all the content on this blog. Yes I know that I got away from my three pronged deal but it was a conscious decision so go brokeback your self. Anyways I should no more after this weekend as I'll be "test driving" iWeb. This would be a good opportunnity to get your votes in for a url name. You wouldn't want to leave it completely to me and end of up with www.iamahugedoucheandlovetogotohardcoresexwebsiteswhileatwork.com all over your browser history.

Going back to the whole podcast deal, does anyone have a phone that can send voice recording to an email or something? Isn't there a way to "text" message it to an email or something? We need to figure out a way to portably record stuff and then get it to my computer. Preferablly by this weekend. Booyacasha.

I'm not sure if everyone knows the real identity behind everyone's blog handle, moniker, alias, etc. I certainly don't. However - I am of the impression the HANDSTEAM is James - and is probably referring to the Hands Team - as in the guys who field on side kicks.

It is clearly much funnier to break it up as Hand Steam - which should be forever James' new nickname. We should also fabricate a masturbation story to accompany it in case people ask why we call him Hand Steam. Maybe it would inolve that magic smoking fingertip glue you got with the mail order magic kits as a kid - or possibly Icy Hot. Submissions are encouraged.

So the weekend has come and gone, and after Teeblah's performance on Friday night at Hollihan's, no smokes to be seen, I have to say he's in the driver's seat. Although he probably has already smoked at least 4 packs since then; as the Holly's temptation may not have broken him at the time, but later, in the dark, when the spins start to take effect and the demons begin to circle, temptation tends to conquer all.

A bonafide ehhh goes to the Super Bowl. Only point of discussion was the "push off" call. Was it or wasn't it? Fuck it. College Football rules. And speaking of the college game, now that Gary Russell is gone, we have even less to look forward to. Let's recap the last few months of Golden Gopher football. They are manhandled by Iowa, collapse against Virginia, fuck around with Mason's contract, directly contributing to the 10th (out of 11) ranked recruiting class in the Big 10, Maroney leaves, Eslinger and Setterstrom graduate, and now Russell is booted. Things look good. At least Kiper recently said that Cupito was ranked in the top 15 quarterbacks for next year's draft. God help us.

"I handed him a cigarette packet. He opened it, took out a cigarette and put it between his lips. He then reached out his hand again and I gave him the matches; to my astonishment he took one out of the box, struck it, lit the cigarette, and threw the box back down on the table."
-- Gerald Durell The New Noah 1972
--Found on Chloroform in Print by Jake Brake









So it has begun, and once again good luck to all, and Paulson's definitely got the right idea in choosing the Camels/Parliaments.

A couple things, quickly. First, anyone who hasn't done so needs to read this. Chuck Klosterman is blogging the Superbowl for ESPN, and so far it has been magnificient.

I wonder just how many out there are blogging about the State of the Union? I will not fall victim to such trivial things. I'm all about the Wild getting housed, the European place I'm struggling for with Bolton in FM and funny ESPN site parodies, like this and this.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go tease my longish hair to flip up in the back, cementing my status as a "stand up guy and one hell of a skate sharpener"*



*= Actual quote from a customer to one of the owners of the store in reference to myself.

This post is fucked and I can't change it, no matter how hard I try. How stupidly foolish of me to assume I could use different size fonts in the same post... It seems like you can... I even see it as I want as I type this, shit, here's a screenshot of what I'm seeing right now. Once I hit publish though, boom, everything is fucked. Fuck this. I quit.